Some of you may remember when I did the Iliad, You should because It wasn't all that long ago. Now I have [FINALLY] fineshed the Odyssey. :D
The Odyssey from my point of view [YEHAA!]
Ten very long wet years after the war between Greece and Troy over Helen, there was a man called Odysseus. [Actually there was a man called Odysseus before hand too but we’re talking about Odysseus ten years after . . .]
He had been travelling back from the war for ten years and now he was ship wrecked on this island and he had no idea where he was.
So he fell asleep on some grass and then when he woke up he saw all these woman who were singing and he thought they were nymphs and he didn’t want any more of them falling in love with him so he said very loudly,
“I’M A MARRIED MAN. SORRY!”
And then they all screamed and ran away.
Only one of them wasn’t scared and didn’t run away.
She was Princess Nausicaa, she approached him and said, “Erm, we really don’t care?”
Then she asked him his name and he told her and then she invited him back to her palace and told off all her friends for running away.
Back at the palace he was dressed properly and bathed and all that.
Once he had been there for a while the people of the place, Phaeacia, he was persuaded to tell his tale because an old singer sang of the defeat of Troy of how the Greeks used the wooden horse to trick the Trojans.
When he had finished Odysseus told what had happened after that.
He and his men and sailed away but had then came to an island of the Cyclops. One Cyclops captured them in his cave and ate lots of them, he didn’t eat Odysseus though because Odysseus had given him wine.
Finally they managed to get out by stabbing the Cyclops’s eye out with a burning pine and then pretending to be the Cyclops’s sheep.
Odysseus: BAAAA [I’m a SHEEP] BAAAA
Odysseus had told the Cyclops that his name was Noman and so when the other Cyclops’s came to see what the matter was, he told them, “Look! Noman did this to me!” And they laughed and told him to go back to sleep if there was no man attacking him.
When Odysseus was back on his ship he blew raspberries at the Cyclops and called, “nyeeh nyeeh! I tricked you! I’m ODYSSEUS THE ORESOME!”
Then the Cyclops prayed to Poseidon, God of the sea, and his father, to make the seas harsh for Odysseus and his men.
So Poseidon was all like, “YAY! Will do son!” And made it very hard for Odysseus.
When they had finally gotten off the Cyclops Island they landed on another one, the island of Aeolus, who looked after the winds. Aeolus was sympathetic of the men’s tale and gave them wind in a can to get them home [No, not baked beans].
They sailed home for ten nights but then, with his homeland, Ithaca, in sight the men on his boat emptied the winds to see what they would do and they were buffeted a far way from home. They returned to Aeolus to plead for more wind but he said,
“Go AWAY unluckiest of men! Poseidon himself is obviously against you and I will have nothing to do with you now. Idiots.” So they departed from Aeolus and sailed away for another long time until they came to another island.
This island was a nice island and so they were reasonably happy. After a while Odysseus sent some men of to scout the land.
When they came back there was only one man left.
‘Eh?! What happened here?” Odysseus asked and the guy, who was one of his cousins, said,
“Well! We were looking around, like you told us to, and then we suddenly came upon all these animals! Lions and all sorts of wild creatures. But they were not wild! They were tame and roamed about us. They had VERY sad eyes though. Then we came upon a castley temply thingiemajingie and then a beautiful woman came out! She said, ‘Come in and I will feed you and all that!’ and so my men went in all happy but I didn’t because I thought about those animals with the really sad eyes . . . anyway, I crept around the castley temply thingie and watched as my men drank and were merry and I was just thinking, ‘hmm, maybe I should have gone as well!’ when the woman touched them all and they turned into pigs! Pigs! And so I ran as fast as possible back here to tell you so we can GET OUT OF HERE”
And Odysseus said, “What? Pigs? All of them?”
And the guy said, “Yes.”
And Odysseus said, “Pigs? All of them? Even Polites?”
And the guys said, “Yes, Pigs. Odysseus, they are all pigs!”
And Odysseus said, “what about Demos? Not Demos?”
“YES ODYSSEUS! Even Demos, Odysseus they are all pigs.”
“No . . .”
“Odysseus, they are all pigs. Pigs all of them Odysseus, all of them pigs Odysseus.”
“Oh.”
Then the guy said, “And it’s all your fault!”
And then Odysseus was REALLY angry and he said, “What did you say?” And his cousin said, “It’s all your fault!” And so Odysseus said, “Well we’re going to go get our men back!”
And his cousin was all like, “No! We have to leave the island pleeeaaase!” And Odysseus was all like, “Well, if YOU’RE too scared . . .”
And then they all went off to the castley temply thing and his men headed round the back with the pig-men to say hi and all that and Odysseus alone stood around the front of the temple, and he saw the sad eyes of the animals around him, and then he bent down and picked a ‘moli’ flower and stuck it in his mouth. Then the woman came out and she said,
“Oh handsome sailor! I’m Circe, come into my Castley temply thingie and eat!” So he went in and he ate and then she came and tapped him on the shoulder with a stick and said, “Go to your sty with the rest of the pigs!” And then Odysseus said, “Ah, what a delicious meal!”
And Circe looked at him in amazement and then fell to her knees in fright and Odysseus leapt up with his sword in hand and Circe said, “Oh please don’t hurt me! I’ll turn your men back into men and I won’t harm any of you! And then you can make love to me!” And so Odysseus thought about it for a while then he said, “Okay” And so Circe went and freed the men and then she and Odysseus made love. Then Odysseus stayed for ages and ages on Circes island and finally Odysseus said he had to go and Circe said, “Don’t go!” And Odysseus said, “I must!” And so She said, “Okay, but You will have to go to Tiresias, he will help you in your journey back home.” And then Odysseus was scared and said, “But Tiresias is dead!”
And Circe said, “I know. You will have to go to Hades! MWAHAHAH! Ahem, sorry, no idea what came over me . . .”
And Odysseus said, “Humph, okay then.”
And so off he and his men went to Hades.
When he got to Hades they dug a deep pit and poured blood in it. Then all these ghosts came and drank the blood. Tiresias came and he spoke to Odysseus. He said, “Yo man! Okay, listen up, first off, watch out for Sirens, Okay? Also, you can’t kill the sun-gods cattle if you value your life. Right? And then, IF you get home you have to watch out for the suitors who want to marry your wife. Penny, okay?”
And so Odysseus was all like, “Uhhh, what? Suitors? What suitors?!” And then Tiresias was all like, “you’ll seeee, maybe . . . *Grins* bye!”
And so Odysseus hurried off with his men.
Then Odysseus went back to Circe for a while and told her all of what Tiresias had said and she said, “Then stay with meeee!” But Odysseus said, “Hmm, no. I have to go home now.”
But Circe said, “Alright, go if you must, but watch out for the Sirens. They will try and lure you in and then they will kill you. Okay? Toodles!”
And so off they went.
So Odysseus watched out for the Sirens and when they came near all the men stuffed their ears except for Odysseus who they tied to the mast and left his ears un-plugged to see what would happen.
When they got near enough the Sirens started to sing and Odysseus was taken in. He saw beautiful woman who sang beautifully and the island was beautiful and covered with trees and grass and rivers. He called to his men to let him go, that Circe had lied, and that the Sirens were very beautiful and most likely very lonely . . .
But they could not hear him because they had all plugged their ears and instead one of the men, Polites, came and tied him up tighter so he could not get free and Odysseus screamed and yelled at his men, offering to make the man who sets him free king of Ithica but they all had their ears blocked and could not hear him.
When they FINALLY untied him once the island was out of sight he asked them what they saw and they answered, “We saw horrible looking creatures on a barren island with bone trees made of dead men’s bones, they screeched with horrible voices at us!”
And then they asked what he saw and he said, “Uhm. Never mind.”
Then he said, “Right’O’! Now we are going to sail through and under a rock which no one has been able to sail through before!”
And his men panicked.
“But hey! We’re going to sail through it while it’s full of water! And anyway! We got to talk to Tiresias and Circe AND we went to Hades first! So we’ll be FINE”
Then as they sailed through a monster with six snakey heads appeared and then with each head she grabbed a man from the ships and ate him.
And then they managed to sail away, leaving only the six men.
Then there was a whirlypool, and they were sure that they would be eaten by it and Odysseus said,
“ROW! Either the gods wish it and we shall be eaten or they don’t and we won’t!” And so they rowed and got across.
Then they reached Helios island and Odysseus said, ‘Nah, We are not going to stop here tonight! Keep rowing!”
And then all the rowers wouldn’t row and they all glared at him until he finally said,
“Fine! Just DON’T eat the cattle on the island!”
And so they landed and ate all their own food. And there was a BIG storm that stopped them from going rowing again and they were all hungry.
Finally Odysseus said, “I will go and make a sacrifice to the gods and maybe they will help us.”
And so off he went and he prayed to the gods and the gods gave him some meat and fruit. Then he slept.
When he woke up he could smell the smell of cooking beef and he ran back to the camp where his men were eating the sun god, Helios’, cattle.
“NO you DAMN IDIOTS!” Odysseus screamed and threw Eurylochus bodily away from the burning cattle.
“We are all DEAD MEN!” He screamed but Eurylochus got up and said, “Ach, the sun god will not miss just one cow!”
Then the dead cow started to bellow in pain.
And then it bellowed again, all the men looked at in terror and then Odysseus yelled, “TO THE SEA, THE SHIPS, YOU IDIOTS!”
And they all quickly got into their ships and sailed away and quickly as possible.
“We’ll be safe now! We’re far away from the island and the sun god won’t trouble himself about just one cow!”
But when the sun came the next morning the rays glinted off the sea and yelled, “Look Poseidon! It is Odysseus!”
Then the sea raged, and the sun became unbearingly hot.
Men died all around and then finally Poseidon blotted out the sun so he himself could kill Odysseus in darkness.
His ship was tipped over the swirly whirlypool called Charybdis and his crew fell in all around him but he hung on.
Night fell and the whirlpool grew shallower and finally disappeared and Odysseus was left hanging onto a piece of Flotsam from his ship.
He lay on the piece of Flotsam and floated. When the sun rose it burned him but finally an island appeared and he floated onto it.
He slept and when he woke there was singing and he was covered with a quilt and was very comfortable.
“Circe? Is that you?” He asked and someone laughed,
“Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m not! I am the daystar next to that candle Circe!”
“So, uh, if you AREN’T Circe then who are you?”
“Stop talking about that silly girl Circe! I am Calypso. This is my island Ogygia. There is no one on her except for you and me!”
Odysseus stayed with her until his body was strong again and then he told her he had to leave,
“I have no ship for you.”
And he stayed for a while longer and she made him stay.
But then the Gods had a meeting and Calypso was forced to let Odysseus leave.
Then he made a raft, and sailed off happily because Caylpso was becoming quite needy.
But when he was in the sea Poseidon suddenly realized who was sailing and made the sea rage.
He was drowning but then a nymph called Ido came ad rescued him.
And then she dragged him to this island, Phaeacia.
When he had finished his story everyone was all like, “Awww, poor king,”
Then they helped him make a boat and off he sailed again.
This time he managed to get to Ithaca and he was almost pleased until he remembered all the suitors for his wife’s hand.
Then a god came down and turned him into an old man so no one would recognize him and warned him of all the dangers.
Then he went and stayed with his old pig herder who he was friends with. His son was friends with him too and came to the pig herder’s house were he met his father and found out who he was. He was very happy.
The next day Odysseus went to the castle disguised as a beggar and all the suitors treated him very badly.
He managed to get to talk to Penelope, his wife, who had to choose which of the suitors to marry.
He told her that she should get them to restring his old bow, and shoot a straight line like he used to be able to. She said ok, and he didn’t tell her who he was.
When the suitors tried to do this they couldn’t even string the bow. Then Odysseus asked if he could and all the suitors laughed at him but then he re strung the bow and shot all the suitors.
Then he told Penelope who he was and they were all very happy.
mood:  content music: Red |
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